Making Relational Health a Priority: A Conversation with Pastor Mike Kelsey

“I thought constant sacrifice was noble. Now I realize rest, joy and hobbies are part of how God wired us.”

Relational health is one of the greatest challenges pastors face—yet it’s also one of the most overlooked. Barna research shows that, while pastors often score high in areas like vocational fulfillment and spiritual growth, they tend to lag behind in relational well-being—even more than practicing Christians.

In this candid conversation, Mike Kelsey, lead pastor at McLean Bible Church, discusses the practical realities of building and maintaining healthy relationships alongside pastoral ministry. As the leader of a large, diverse, multigenerational congregation in the Washington, D.C. metro area, Kelsey reflects on how he’s learning to prioritize relational health in his marriage, parenting and ministry—and why it matters for the long haul.

Q: You’ve been in ministry at McLean Bible Church for nearly two decades. What’s something you’ve learned about relationships during that time?

Mike Kelsey: One of the biggest things I’ve realized is how difficult it is to maintain deep relationships in adulthood. In college, I experienced a level of relational closeness—with my brothers in Christ—that was transformative. But that kind of depth is hard to come by when you’re juggling ministry, family and leadership responsibilities. The demands of adulthood pull at your time. Without intentionality, your most important relationships can suffer.

Q: Can you share a time when you thought things were going well relationally—but later realized they weren’t?

Kelsey: Definitely. In 2017, I was pastoring, finishing seminary, raising young kids and Ashley—my wife—was leading worship. We were both carrying a lot. During a church-planting assessment, we met with a marriage counselor. When he asked how we were doing, I said, “We’re great!” Then he turned to Ashley, and she broke down in tears.

That moment was a wake-up call. I hadn’t realized how disconnected we’d become. I was so busy trying to hold everything together that I didn’t know how much she was carrying—or how unseen she felt.

Q: How did you start to rebuild that connection?

Kelsey: Slowly. We added a few practical rhythms that helped. First, we do a weekly check-in with a shared [note in our phones] where we plan out the week and share what’s on our hearts. Second, we’ve adopted a habit from Pete and Geri Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Discipleship—what they call “incarnational listening.” We sit down, ask, “What’s the biggest thing on your mind right now?” and listen without judgment or defensiveness.

Ashley told me she feels closest to me not when I know everything about her, but when she really knows what’s going on with me. That shifted my approach. I had to get better at being emotionally aware and vulnerable.

Q: Your parents were both in ministry. How did their experience influence yours?

Kelsey: My dad is a pastoral legend in D.C. But about 10 years ago, my parents separated. No scandal—just years of relational disconnection. They eventually reconciled and now say they have the best marriage they’ve ever had. But it took a lot of work.

I’ll never forget my mom saying to me during their separation, “Mike, this is you in 30 years if you don’t make some changes.” That landed hard. I rarely saw my dad rest or have hobbies. I thought constant sacrifice was noble. Now I realize rest, joy and hobbies are part of how God wired us. I’ve discovered joy in firepits, riding bikes and even keeping a running list in my phone of things that bring me joy.

Q: How has this growth in self-awareness affected your parenting?

Kelsey: It’s been one of the biggest blessings. I’m learning how to help my kids name their feelings and articulate what they’re going through. I used to think emotions were irrelevant. Now I see how important it is to help my sons and daughter feel seen, heard, and safe.

Q: What does modeling relational health look like for your staff?

Kelsey: I often say there are three dimensions to every staff relationship: the work itself, the relationship between us and the individual person. A lot of pastors focus on the task but ignore the people. I want to show up in a way that communicates: I care about you as a human being, not just a colleague.

Simple things like asking, “How are you really doing?”—and then following up—make a difference. I want our team to see that being Christlike means being relationally present.

Q: How about for your congregation? Do you see relational struggles among the people you pastor?

Kelsey: Constantly. We talk a lot about marriage, but friendship is a foundational issue that often gets overlooked—especially among men. There’s a loneliness epidemic out there. Many people don’t know how to cultivate deep, consistent, life-giving relationships. They don’t have the skills or the margin.

That’s something we need to equip our people for—not just offering small groups but teaching the basics of emotional intelligence, conflict resolution and healthy friendship.

Q: Any scriptures that have shaped your thinking on this?

Kelsey: Proverbs 18:24 says, “There are friends who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” I used to think being around a lot of people meant I had deep relationships. But being known is different. I want a few men in my life who know my hopes, fears and struggles. That’s what real friendship looks like.

Ephesians 5 has also impacted me. Marriage is not just a symbol of the gospel in roles—it’s also meant to reflect the passion, intimacy and vulnerability Christ has with his people. That’s what I want to model in my home and in our church.

This is an excerpt from a full-length profile in this month’s State of the Church release, which can be found exclusively in Barna Access Plus.